An introverted reaction to unboxed ideas

Photo credit:  Microsoft

Alternating hot flashes and cold waterfalls of chills from the sweat invading my hairline and armpits, and sliding eerily down the small of my back.  Racing heartbeat coupled with a dark ocean throwing my stomach around like a tiny fishing boat caught out in a storm.  Shaky limbs, not unlike a rush of the scared adrenaline that comes from a near-miss driving 80 on the freeway.  Inability to focus or the appearance of tunnel vision teasing the outskirts of my eyes and threatening to interrupt my game.

I experience all or most of these when I’m about to be, or am, in the midst of something completely out of my safe zone.  I definitely feel it all when I’m about to have a tough discussion with someone; the one situation sticking out in my mind was the time I went to ask my boss for an increase in salary.  Smaller situations, like having to talk to someone for the first time, only alert a few of these feelings.  Ultimately, it depends on the scale of the situation, but the point is my flight instincts take root and push me back into my box, telling me I should not come out because it’s a big, scary world. 

Because of how my brain tells my body to react, I tend not to jump before thoroughly thinking things through.  I ruminate and analyze ... like crazy.  Even though this small part of me holds its hand out and pushes me forward, telling me it’s something I should do, I hang back and tell myself I need a little more time to decide. 

Some people find and seek an adrenaline rush from taking the leap, while I’d rather not feel the sweats, the stomach roll, or the marathon heartbeat that accompanies a rash or uncomfortable decision.  I hate stress and the fact my brain must perseverate over it even more.  So, I underestimate my own ability to be successful at something new, sometimes to the point of missing out.

Each time I have taken that leap; however, I have looked back and realized it wasn’t nearly as hard or scary as I thought it would be, and I ask myself why I waited so long to decide to do it in the first place.  Armed with the knowledge from those experiences, I look forward and try like hell to remind myself that each thing I do is not as scary or tough as I make it out to be in my mind, and if it doesn’t work out, it doesn’t work out!  Learn, grow, and move on, but AT LEAST TRY.  If you don't, you'll never know if you're successful or enjoy doing it!

Disappearing ... sneaking out ... hiding ... I do all of those things unapologetically

If I could hide up on a mountain by myself most of the time, I would.  You would, too, if you knew how peaceful it is!

When I was a child, I disappeared.  A lot.  I’m not talking running away or anything like that.  For example, if I wanted to take a nap, I’d leave and go down to my room.  My dad, apparently, used to do this same thing and would sleep in the bathtub.  Once, when I was supposed to have dinner at a friend’s house, I conned them into playing hide-and-seek and ran all the way home when I was supposed to be hiding because I didn’t want spaghetti.  Obviously, they couldn’t find me, and about twenty minutes after I came home, the phone rang with a worried mother at the other end asking if I was there.  Kind of a shithead move to make, but as a kid it was my regular M.O.  I think this is the reason my dad told me recently that they thought I was a weird kid.  Back then we didn’t talk about personality types and you really didn’t hear much about introverts and extroverts.

I was also a really quiet kid.  I didn’t like to converse much and I walked lightly whenever I was at a friend’s house to the point where one of my friends’ mothers said I crept around too much.  After hearing that, I stepped out of my comfort zone and tried to be louder whenever I was at that particular friend’s house, but it was a stretch for someone like me.  I liked quiet, I didn’t want to impose and be loud and obnoxious, and I took the time I needed to be alone.  I still do these things.  Only, I often wonder if people think I’m a snob or unfriendly.  I’m usually not one to proclaim my entrance to all within earshot because that would be calling attention to myself, which I’m not fond of.  Public kudos also give me butterflies, and not in a good way.  I’m not one to interrupt two people just to say hello or goodbye.  It’s how I was raised and also kind of who I am as a person.  I don’t do small talk, but I love deep conversations.  Sometimes awkward shit comes out of my mouth and it’s usually things I’ve stored up to share and haven’t been able to insert them appropriately into the conversation so they may end up coming up when it’s no longer relevant, but damnit I need to get it out of my head and into the air around us! 

Welcome to the life of an extremely introverted person.  Social situations … yuck.  Hate them.  Even though most of the time I enjoy myself at them, it’s still a lot of stressful anticipation.  I have a small circle of people I enjoy giving and receiving time with.  Being this way makes it hard when I need to sell myself or my books.  However, it bodes quite well for writing.  I love to just be alone in the quiet or with my favorite music to ponder my characters and what I envision for them next.  While working on my first four books, I did this very thing.  I had an office job back then while I was writing and I enjoyed my morning commutes to Bellevue because it was early enough that there was no traffic to make me angry and I would have roughly 45 minutes of playlist music to keep me company while I mulled over what was going to happen to or between Jensen and Mia.  

Being an introvert …  I wouldn’t change a thing.  I love my alone time to relax and think about things.  I like the ability to slip out like an incognito super hero.  Although I no longer pull the disappearing act when I’m expected somewhere without telling someone I’m leaving.  I grew out of that, thankfully.

To kneel or not to kneel...

Photo courtesy of Microsoft

Respect as a verb is defined as showing esteem or consideration or abstaining from interference.  As a noun, it’s about having reverence for the distinction of a person or for qualities or abilities that person may hold.  It’s also regarding a right or privilege of someone or even something that is looked upon as having certain rights or privileges attached to it.  Disrespect as a noun is characterized as having a lack of what is defined above as respect or showing discourtesy or rudeness.  As a verb, it simply means to withhold the above-defined “respect” or treat with contempt or rudeness.

I’ve read and heard a lot of commentary around people feeling personally disrespected or feeling as if their country, military, or flag are being disrespected.  Particularly, I’m talking about players kneeling during the National Anthem.  I have given a lot of thought to the topic to try to understand why some people are really upset.  It can be a struggle to try to understand another person’s perspective when you don’t their view, but I do try.

That said, here’s where I’m coming from on this subject.  It is my belief our founding fathers did not wish for us to hold nationalistic ideals, meaning we shouldn’t be forced to stand for an anthem or recite the pledge of allegiance if we didn’t want to for our own reasons, including those relating to beliefs, religion, or disagreement in how our government is operating.  The Supreme Court backed up this school of thought in 1943 in the case of WestVirginia State Board of Education v. Barnette, believing it violated the Fourteenth Amendment.  The First Amendment is also relevant in this situation as well.  Our country is supposed to be a nation of freedom, and to make people love and support their government, even when they disagree with it, is akin to what happened in Nazi Germany.

Regardless of what the Supreme Court ruled over seventy years ago, there are still people who disagree with those that do not stand for the anthem.  As I pointed out above, we should be allowed to have freedom of opinions.  The Supreme Court also decided abortion should be legal, but many people personally do not feel this way and thus Roe v. Wade has continued to be a hot button topic.  We all have our opinions and beliefs, and continue to have them.  Where it becomes a problem is when we stop listening to each other and force our own opinions and beliefs onto others.  We don’t always have to agree, but I feel we should always be open-minded and listen.

Aside from the court perspective, there’s the personal side of it as well.  I’d like to ask the people that disagree with players kneeling or people not standing for the anthem if they understand why people have chosen to do so.  Have you set aside how you feel about it personally to listen to what they have to say?  What’s happening is a peaceful way of protesting how our country doesn’t treat people equally, or with the same respect given to others.  Respect … there’s that word again.  Personally, I don’t feel it is disrespectful to kneel during the anthem, especially when you feel you are being disrespected in our nation and cannot support an anthem that pledges equality when clearly equality has never been prevalent.

I’m not standing on a soapbox preaching that you should be okay with players kneeling or people making a personal choice not to stand.  You have every right to feel the way you do.  What I am saying is to try to hear the other side and understand what they may be feeling.  You think it’s disrespectful and they feel disrespected.  Somewhere we need to come to a common ground and agree to disagree.  Even better, if we get to the root of the problem and work on solving that – equality and respect across the board regardless of race – this whole idea of who is standing or kneeling for the national anthem won’t be such a big issue.  Once we get to a place where most everyone feels they have the same voice and rights, I’m sure you’ll find them proudly standing in support of our national anthem.  However, my last caveat to that statement is to understand that we all have a choice, and wrong or right or whether you agree or disagree, people can choose to do what they wish during the anthem.  Kneeling or sitting included.