Tuesday, January 30, 2018

Disappearing ... sneaking out ... hiding ... I do all of those things unapologetically

If I could hide up on a mountain by myself most of the time, I would.  You would, too, if you knew how peaceful it is!


When I was a child, I disappeared.  A lot.  I’m not talking running away or anything like that.  For example, if I wanted to take a nap, I’d leave and go down to my room.  My dad, apparently, used to do this same thing and would sleep in the bathtub.  Once, when I was supposed to have dinner at a friend’s house, I conned them into playing hide-and-seek and ran all the way home when I was supposed to be hiding because I didn’t want spaghetti.  Obviously, they couldn’t find me, and about twenty minutes after I came home, the phone rang with a worried mother at the other end asking if I was there.  Kind of a shithead move to make, but as a kid it was my regular M.O.  I think this is the reason my dad told me recently that they thought I was a weird kid.  Back then we didn’t talk about personality types and you really didn’t hear much about introverts and extroverts.

I was also a really quiet kid.  I didn’t like to converse much and I walked lightly whenever I was at a friend’s house to the point where one of my friends’ mothers said I crept around too much.  After hearing that, I stepped out of my comfort zone and tried to be louder whenever I was at that particular friend’s house, but it was a stretch for someone like me.  I liked quiet, I didn’t want to impose and be loud and obnoxious, and I took the time I needed to be alone.  I still do these things.  Only, I often wonder if people think I’m a snob or unfriendly.  I’m usually not one to proclaim my entrance to all within earshot because that would be calling attention to myself, which I’m not fond of.  Public kudos also give me butterflies, and not in a good way.  I’m not one to interrupt two people just to say hello or goodbye.  It’s how I was raised and also kind of who I am as a person.  I don’t do small talk, but I love deep conversations.  Sometimes awkward shit comes out of my mouth and it’s usually things I’ve stored up to share and haven’t been able to insert them appropriately into the conversation so they may end up coming up when it’s no longer relevant, but damnit I need to get it out of my head and into the air around us! 

Welcome to the life of an extremely introverted person.  Social situations … yuck.  Hate them.  Even though most of the time I enjoy myself at them, it’s still a lot of stressful anticipation.  I have a small circle of people I enjoy giving and receiving time with.  Being this way makes it hard when I need to sell myself or my books.  However, it bodes quite well for writing.  I love to just be alone in the quiet or with my favorite music to ponder my characters and what I envision for them next.  While working on my first four books, I did this very thing.  I had an office job back then while I was writing and I enjoyed my morning commutes to Bellevue because it was early enough that there was no traffic to make me angry and I would have roughly 45 minutes of playlist music to keep me company while I mulled over what was going to happen to or between Jensen and Mia.  

Being an introvert …  I wouldn’t change a thing.  I love my alone time to relax and think about things.  I like the ability to slip out like an incognito super hero.  Although I no longer pull the disappearing act when I’m expected somewhere without telling someone I’m leaving.  I grew out of that, thankfully.

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