Apparently, honesty is not the best policy

Can you feel the severe eye roll?  I’m doing it right now … and every day, it seems (incidentally, I'm a firm believer that Facebook needs an eye-roll reaction right next to the "like" button--can someone over there get on that, please?).  My biggest pet peeve, if you can call it that, is dishonesty.  I can’t stand people that lie and lie consistently.  Why is it so damn hard to tell the truth?  Often, I ponder why a person might lie – do they really believe what they’re saying is true?  Are they just out there to gain sympathy or showboat a fake confidence when inside, they house an inner crumbling personality with low self-esteem?

It’s not hard to spend a lot of time thinking about this as of late.  It’s frustrating to me to turn on the television and see the current government administration lying out of their teeth day in and day out, while muttering under my breath, “Jesus Fucking Christ, do people really buy into this bullshit?”

The egregious behavior stabbing at my annoyance got me thinking about people in history and characters in stories that had such a power over words that they were able to get people to buy into what they were saying, even if they didn’t emanate it or believe it themselves.  Hitler is a prime example.  He believed in a perfect race of tall blue-eyed, blonde-haired people, yet he himself did not have blonde hair and standing at 5’9 really doesn’t equate to “tall” in today’s terms.  So, why did so many people buy into what he was selling when he didn’t even fit his own description?  Voldemort is another.  While a fictional character, it’s the same type of thing.  He was able to gain a huge following based on the idea that true wizards and witches were full-blood, yet he himself was only half-blood.  No one ever called him out on that shit and I wonder why?

This brings me to the current situation we find sitting in the White House.  It’s ridiculous to me that Trump goes to these rallies and talks about “draining the swamp” when he in fact has put people in positions of power within the White House that meet the very definition of the swamp.  He says he supports LGBTQ rights, but he wants to ban transgender service members in our military based on incorrect data about medical costs associated with hormone therapy and sex reassignment surgery.  Hello, did you know the military spends more on Viagra???  Jesus, did he botch the Charlottesville thing.   It took the guy way too long to denounce White Supremacists and Nazi hate groups and even then, he flip-flopped on his views from one day to the next.  And the stories coming from him or the people working for him …  Bowling Green massacre?  General Pershing and the pig-blood bullets?  You’ve done more in six months than any other President?  Stop.  Just stop already.  

My point is, don’t people see these lies?  Don’t they see he’s not even doing what he says he’ll do?  Don’t they see that he doesn’t care and that he’s only out there to profit off the highest office in the country?  

While our current state of affairs is quite fascinating and history-making, it’s also very frustrating and disheartening.  I’m sad, I’m angry, I’m frustrated, I’m embarrassed, and I hate the fact I have to listen to people that are supposed to have integrity stand up and lie through their teeth on a daily basis meanwhile blaming the news outlets and calling the reputable ones “fake.”  Seriously?  What has our country come to that this is okay and is now an expected modus operandi?  I know someday I will look back on this time and lament on what a wild ride it was.  Right now, all I can do is just look forward to the future where we’ll be out of this madness and in a more honest and humble environment.  I can’t lose what little faith in humanity I have left.

Introspection in a quiet house ... on a warm, summer night

The ­­­­­­­house is very quiet since we got on a plane and flew over 2,500 miles to New York with our daughter two weeks ago to drop her off for a summer college program.  Looking back, it was an integral part to feeling comfortable with leaving her there for six weeks—we were able to walk around town and get an idea of the vibe and the people, and we were able to tour many parts of the University and interact with several of the professors and professional resources available to the students.

Day three, after we’d walked to a local science center and to the downtown commons, I felt good about leaving her—really good, actually.  Thinking about it now doesn’t prevent a little bit of self doubt to creep in.  Not the self-doubt of leaving her there to have her first adult experience on her own, but the kind of self-doubt of letting her fly away from the nest at day ten instead of day fourteen, and not really feeling any kind of anxiety about it.  

I was sad when we told her goodbye, hugging … tears mingled with sweat from a hot day walking around campus.  I was sad when we went back to the hotel and she wasn’t there, the quiet settling in.  I was sad in the morning when I woke up to get ready to get on the plane to go back home.  Basically, I was sad the entire day, especially so when we arrived home to a quiet, empty house with her absence made more prominent by her cat, Sully, laying in her empty bed and wondering when she’ll be home again to snuggle with him.

Missing her life force floating around the house, the noise bouncing off the walls … reminds me of a time in my life back in elementary school when the melancholy and loneliness would set in like a thick fog after spending the weekend having a friend’s spirit share my space for a day or two.  I’m not sure why, but come Sunday evening the grief of their absence was crushing and I cried myself to sleep.  But, it got easier as I grew up and so is the case today.  

A friend recently asked how and what we were doing in my daughter’s absence.  Not a lot has really changed, to be honest.  We do the same things minus one person, although I do find myself wishing she was here to share the same memories.  “You’re empty-nesting,” my friend pointed out.  Bryan agrees with this assessment, but I’m not sure yet.  I vacillate and swing between the feeling of it just being the two of us and feeling like we’ve broken the plate and she’s graduated and away at college to the thought that she’s really only away on a trip and will be back in a month.  I guess it’s kind of an in-between feeling, if I’m really honest.  At the very least, it does give me a taste of what it will be like when the time comes for her to go off to college.

 So, I sit here and reflect under a full-moon … the quiet that has settled on our house as of late will soon be broken once again at another moon’s turn. 

In the words of The Clash, "Should I Stay or Should I Go?"

Picture credit: Microsoft

I’m beginning to see why people are leaving this country or have begun looking into taking the leap. 

Once, I left one job to go to another where I would be paid more.  It was a promising position in an industry I was excited to learn more about.  I was even excited to work for my new manager, and all of the people were friendly and welcoming.

I didn’t last more than four months.  I ended up hating almost every minute of my role.  I worked long hours, my manager was a nightmare to work for, the work was too repetitive for my liking, and I didn’t feel like I was really learning anything new after the first month.  My attitude was in the toilet and it got so that I was yelling at my family all the time.  It was no way to be so I decided to leave it all behind, and after walking out the door, I breathed a sigh of relief that I had wiped that negativity out of my life.

I have a point in telling this story, I promise.  First, some background of what’s’ been floating around my head as of late.

For the past month or two, I have struggled to put into words how I’m feeling about the world as we know it right now.  I think about it almost every waking minute of the day and I have to say, it’s beginning to take a toll.  I’m trying to remain positive, but it seems every day I read several pieces of news (yes, they are from reputable sources) that stir up the anger, disappointment, sadness, embarrassment, and dread that refuses to lay dormant inside.

I’m disheartened that our planet and its resources are at risk of depleting quicker because of climate-change deniers and fossil fuel supporters that don’t understand the risk to the earth or people that depend on clean water and land to live.  I’m sad and scared for minorities and the LGBTQ community as programs, laws, and services that support and help keep them safe are at risk.  I fear our relationships with other countries will move from “strained” to “hanging in the balance” and we won’t have allies should we come under attack.  I distress over the future of education and health of our children.  See where I’m going with this?  Do I really need to go on?  There’s a laundry list, I assure you.

Ultimately, here’s where I’m at.  I don’t understand why programs and agencies that have brought mainly positive results have come under fire and have either been gutted or are at risk of being put on the chopping block.  I’d like to think all that has happened thus far isn’t just to line the pockets of the rich, or being done out of spite towards another group although it certainly feels that way at times.  Whatever the reason, all of it scares the hell out of me and the stress is mounting to the point that somedays I just want to leave just as I did with that job that made me miserable.

So, back to my original thought … I get why escaping to another country is an attractive move for many.  I have seriously considered it the last few weeks to my husband’s chagrin.  He doesn’t believe in turning his back to his country.  On face-value I can agree with that sentiment, but in practice it’s getting harder to resist the temptation to go somewhere else where crazy isn’t so prevalent and truth and ethical behavior are not endangered species.