The psychology of treating others poorly

In high school and college, I took my share of psychology and sociology classes because frankly, I find it pretty damn fascinating how people go about their lives.  Coupled with my natural interest in seeking to understand the human psyche, being exposed to what is outside my door every day, and generally the subject of how people treat one another, I’ve been thinking a lot about how we grow up and learn to be.

I’ll be a bit more specific since this can really involve any kind of behavior.  What I’ve been pondering as of late was prompted by a discussion about how someone spoke about a former significant other.  While driving (because I do A LOT of thinking when I drive), I thought about how I used to be as a teenager toward any girls that I thought wanted to get with my boyfriend or a guy I liked, or any girl that used to be with him.  I talked ill of that person and said some pretty awful shit, even when I didn’t really know them.  Looking back, I think that’s a pretty common occurrence at that age, though.  What I have come to understand is it becomes a problem if you carry it into adulthood and continue to talk ill of people because of your own insecurities.

Okay, so that’s one part of it.  Bear with me while I get to the actual point of what I’m trying to share with you.  Sometimes I have to lay the tracks so it makes sense.  To continue, I was thinking about adult significant others and whether or not they speak ill of people they were previously with.  What kind of person does that say they are and will they do the same about you, even if the information isn’t correct?  

As I was having this thought, I was also making a mental list of people I had dated and if they were a.) mature enough to learn not to engage in this catty behavior/had they actually grown out of it and moved onto the next life stage and b.) did they do this type of behavior and encourage it within me?  But, my data is a bit flawed.  The problem is I’ve been with my husband since I was 16.  I could argue there were one or two folks before him that perhaps may fall into the right category.  Hard to tell, but I can say that I think one of them did not engage in that type of behavior that I can recall and he was probably at the right age not to.

So why do we immediately make a generalization and speak ill about someone we barely know or tow the same line on a story we didn’t experience firsthand simply because our significant other has those same views?  Insecurity? Sure, that is one explanation.  Another is learned behavior.  We watch the relationships we have grown up with and seem to mimic those unless we make a concerted effort to break that cycle.  I think it’s also worth mentioning that trust can be a major reason as well.  We want to trust our significant other, and if they feel this way about someone else, maybe we should as well.  This is when it can get a bit dicey, though.  If we go into things with blind trust, we can get taken advantage of and begin to live our lives how others want us to, not how we really want to.  It’s worth noting we don’t just do this with our significant others, we can also do this with our friends.  Truth be told, that ends up in a much worse place because you have the whole ganging up factor.  Girls can be brutal!

So, this leaves me at my final thought on this topic.  The longer I’m on this earth, the more I have learned to stop, listen and observe; try to step into the shoes of other people to understand why they feel and think the way they do; try like hell not to jump to conclusions, and come to my own deduction about a person or situation.  It’s actually been a long learning road to get to a place where this comes naturally because I was exposed to a lot of bad relationship behavior growing up, but it’s been a worthwhile journey and I would highly recommend it to anyone.

Poking The Bear When It Comes To Taking Or Leaving Advice

Photo credit:  Microsoft

Why do we get angry or upset when people don’t listen to our recommendations or advice?  I’ve run into this a lot and I’ve heard others complain about bringing about the ire of someone they respect if they choose to do something counter to what was suggested.  Hell, I’ve even done it myself!  The point is, I’ve been thinking a lot lately about why that is.

The obvious answer that most people would probably gravitate toward is the fact that you asked someone for their input and they feel put off by the fact that you didn’t actually use what they had to say.  Sure, that’s one thing that most people probably feel, I know I have certainly felt that way.  But, I think it goes deeper than that.

Let’s think about when we were growing up and our precocious selves were sucking in everything about our surroundings like a thick sponge.  What did our parents say to us?  “You better listen to me” or “you need to do this because I said so.”  Because I said so is so prevalent, isn’t it?  Maybe parents just used it to combat the kids that continually asked “why,” but the unintended side effect is the idea that people should do what we tell them to do. 

The same could be said about teachers as well.  We learn that there is a certain way to do things and we do them because our teacher taught us that way – another example of how we have learned that what we are told to do is what we should do and we turn around and expect it from others.

Okay, parenting and teaching aside … there’s another thought that has cropped up on this topic.  How about the idea of perfection and how we find success?  Parents, teachers, friends, anyone really, impress upon us to do our best by telling us to finish our homework, study for that test, or practice our instruments, etc. and that will lead to success and ultimately, good things in life.  Not exactly the case, is it?  What we don’t take into account is the different way people learn and the fact that we each do different things that work for us to be successful in life.  One thing that works for Bobbie Sue doesn’t necessary work for Billie Jo.  Sometimes people don’t need to study for a test to ace it or they don’t need to practice the violin hours on end to play a piece well.  I remember growing up and being told to practice piano and violin for an hour every day.  At some point it seemed to become counter-productive because I became bored or even frustrated, and any extra time beyond what I needed to master the piece I was playing was just overkill and a waste of time.  The other thing to point out is there are times when we aren’t so successful in the things that we do and we need those times to help us learn and grow.  We can’t all walk around life being successful every day of our lives or we’d never change anything we do or even discover the undiscovered.

My last thought on this topic is more simple, but still relevant.  It could be a situation of control.  A lot of people may feel their lives are in a spiral and seek control wherever they can get it in order to bring balance.  The easiest way seems to be to tell people how to do things and to control how they go about their daily business whether that be at work, in school, with hobbies, or whatever.  Some people also gain power, whether perceived or real, from having that kind of control.  They may also see it as gaining people’s respect and having notoriety because people are doing what you would do and what you say to do.  Let’s be honest, things seem to sound better when you say, “Everyone is doing this and you should, too.”  We often like to do what the masses are doing because it is safe.

All of that said, it can be a bit of a struggle to change years of ingrained thinking.  I know I do and probably will continue to struggle with giving suggestions and recommendations and becoming upset that someone doesn’t follow-through.  However, I will make a conscious effort to see it as strictly sharing information and leaving it up to that person to take it or leave it.  Honestly, it’s more energy than it’s worth to get angry about someone not taking my advice and I would hate to have people walking on eggshells around me when they’re trying to decide what’s best FOR THEM.  That’s not for me to decide anyway.

To help or not to help ... do you look at the opportunity cost?

Photo credit:  Microsoft

I used to say “yes” to everyone’s requests for help because I didn’t want to let them down and I always wanted to be accommodating.  Sometimes saying yes to others meant I put my own self and tasks I was working on off to the side while I spent more time than originally budgeted on helping someone else.  Sometimes, I didn’t receive any kind of reciprocation and began feeling taken advantage of.  What I was missing was the idea of understanding the opportunity cost of helping another person.  Was I at least going to get back what I gave or was my time better spent elsewhere?

You may start something initially where the opportunity cost is outweighed by the benefit of what you’ll get back by helping someone, and then once you really get into the meat of it, realize that it’s actually more involved than you initially thought.  You don’t have to continue to rack up time and energy to the point of emotional bankruptcy just to come through on your agreement to help.  If something is becoming an issue and is more than you initially thought it would be, go back to that person and tell them so.  If you add some options for them to finish it or to get more help, you’re not falling down on your agreement and you are bowing out gracefully.

As I’m writing this, I’m realizing that some people may read this and think that’s a cold way to approach helping others.  Don’t get me wrong, I will help others and do quite often.  Many times, it makes me feel good to do so and that is my reciprocation—the joy I get in doing something good for someone else.  However; there are times when I have repeatedly helped someone and it ended up affecting my own work or me personally.  I have learned that during those instances, it makes sense to weigh the opportunity cost before agreeing to help.