Poking The Bear When It Comes To Taking Or Leaving Advice

Photo credit:  Microsoft

Why do we get angry or upset when people don’t listen to our recommendations or advice?  I’ve run into this a lot and I’ve heard others complain about bringing about the ire of someone they respect if they choose to do something counter to what was suggested.  Hell, I’ve even done it myself!  The point is, I’ve been thinking a lot lately about why that is.

The obvious answer that most people would probably gravitate toward is the fact that you asked someone for their input and they feel put off by the fact that you didn’t actually use what they had to say.  Sure, that’s one thing that most people probably feel, I know I have certainly felt that way.  But, I think it goes deeper than that.

Let’s think about when we were growing up and our precocious selves were sucking in everything about our surroundings like a thick sponge.  What did our parents say to us?  “You better listen to me” or “you need to do this because I said so.”  Because I said so is so prevalent, isn’t it?  Maybe parents just used it to combat the kids that continually asked “why,” but the unintended side effect is the idea that people should do what we tell them to do. 

The same could be said about teachers as well.  We learn that there is a certain way to do things and we do them because our teacher taught us that way – another example of how we have learned that what we are told to do is what we should do and we turn around and expect it from others.

Okay, parenting and teaching aside … there’s another thought that has cropped up on this topic.  How about the idea of perfection and how we find success?  Parents, teachers, friends, anyone really, impress upon us to do our best by telling us to finish our homework, study for that test, or practice our instruments, etc. and that will lead to success and ultimately, good things in life.  Not exactly the case, is it?  What we don’t take into account is the different way people learn and the fact that we each do different things that work for us to be successful in life.  One thing that works for Bobbie Sue doesn’t necessary work for Billie Jo.  Sometimes people don’t need to study for a test to ace it or they don’t need to practice the violin hours on end to play a piece well.  I remember growing up and being told to practice piano and violin for an hour every day.  At some point it seemed to become counter-productive because I became bored or even frustrated, and any extra time beyond what I needed to master the piece I was playing was just overkill and a waste of time.  The other thing to point out is there are times when we aren’t so successful in the things that we do and we need those times to help us learn and grow.  We can’t all walk around life being successful every day of our lives or we’d never change anything we do or even discover the undiscovered.

My last thought on this topic is more simple, but still relevant.  It could be a situation of control.  A lot of people may feel their lives are in a spiral and seek control wherever they can get it in order to bring balance.  The easiest way seems to be to tell people how to do things and to control how they go about their daily business whether that be at work, in school, with hobbies, or whatever.  Some people also gain power, whether perceived or real, from having that kind of control.  They may also see it as gaining people’s respect and having notoriety because people are doing what you would do and what you say to do.  Let’s be honest, things seem to sound better when you say, “Everyone is doing this and you should, too.”  We often like to do what the masses are doing because it is safe.

All of that said, it can be a bit of a struggle to change years of ingrained thinking.  I know I do and probably will continue to struggle with giving suggestions and recommendations and becoming upset that someone doesn’t follow-through.  However, I will make a conscious effort to see it as strictly sharing information and leaving it up to that person to take it or leave it.  Honestly, it’s more energy than it’s worth to get angry about someone not taking my advice and I would hate to have people walking on eggshells around me when they’re trying to decide what’s best FOR THEM.  That’s not for me to decide anyway.