Should you tell a loved one they are dying?

Photo credit:  Lisa Hall

It's been almost two years since my Grandma Mary passed away and I think about her a lot.  She was always such a strong role model and I have so many great memories of her.  She was the last remaining glue that kept our family interested in spending time together.  Sadly, that has gone away with her death.

Many people know that I lean on the side of telling it like it is.  It's my preferred method of operating in life (although that was quite contrary in my prior job, which was probably one of the many reasons that led me to leave the field.  That is another story, however).  When we got the call that my Grandma was dying, two of my sisters and I rushed up to Bellingham late at night so we could see her in the event she passed away during the night.  Thankfully, she was able to see us and was lucid and happy that we were there (her roommate--not so much!).

Having satisfied our need to see her before she passed and taking comfort that she was doing well and would likely be there in the morning, we went to our hotel room to have a few hours of sleep before coming back the next day to spend more time with her.  When we arrived the next morning, she was feeling okay and even wanted to go out to the common room so we all could sit down and visit.  However, it wasn't long before she started to go downhill and we had to return her to her room so she could be comfortable lying in her bed.

As we rubbed her sore arms, legs, and feet with some sweet-smelling lotion the home had given us to help soothe her and reminisced about our lives together, she started to ask why we were all there and if she had been in an accident.  My sisters and I exchanged glances that seemed to ask, "Should we tell her?"  One of my sisters did a funny little laugh and gave my Grandma a question back, asking her, "Why, do you feel like you were in an accident?"  I don't think she ever answered that question.  Instead, she just shrugged.

It was then that I hated the fact that I didn't speak up and tell her what was really going on.  I tried to make myself feel better by asking if it was the right thing to tell a loved one the truth about dying.  I also began telling myself that she would know if she was dying and I probably didn't need to say anything.  Plus, there was pressure from others in the family not to tell her she was dying.  In fact, they hadn't really wanted us to rush up there to see her and I don't think they even wanted us to be there at all, likely for fear that we were bothering her (we weren't of course--if we hadn't been there for her all day, no one would have helped ease her trek into death).

Looking back, if I could climb in a time machine and go back, I wouldn't have changed the fact that we visited her the way we did. That time was precious and I'm glad we had the time to be together.  What I would change is the fact that I didn't answer my Grandma's question honestly; that I didn't tell her that we were there to spend her last hours of life with her and that she was dying and to please be brave.  

Alas, there is no time machine.  Instead, I have to look fondly on the last hours we had with my Grandma and hope that she knew the truth.  At the very least, she knew we loved her and I'm sure she knows we miss her and think about her all the time.

A long overdue rant

My teenage daughter has a look that sometimes graces her face, and that she fondly refers to as "the double chin what-the-fuck look."  It's genius.  She should trademark it.

Internally, I often have moments where my mind's eye gives me this look.  One such moment happened awhile ago, but today it has been on my mind and it will likely stay there unless I get it out on paper, so to speak.

Many months ago, hell, it might have even been a year ago, someone told me they were going to write a book because they felt they could do better than the authors of the books they've read recently.  My first thought (after my internal "double chin what-the-fuck look") was, "Seriously?"  I never forgot that comment and to be completely frank, it really pissed me off.  There's actually a list as to why that is.

1. Write because you love it, not just because you think you can do better than someone else.
2. Writing is not easy.  It's a long, complicated process that can really drain you.  You read your material over and over again and then once the editor gets a hold of it, you do it all over again.  You might even start to tire of your own work with the desire of tucking it away into a drawer so you don't have to see it again.
3. What if this person who doesn't seem genuinely in love with the idea of telling a story ends up being good at it and their book sells ... a lot ... more than my book(s)?
4. Serious (and very talented) writers get looked over all the time, meanwhile some celebrities get book deals just because they're famous, not because the material is good.  That leads me to believe that there is some inherent flaw to the whole "send only a miniscule portion of my works to a bunch of publishers who will reject it anyway because they're either too busy to read it or I'm not a household name (although this one isn't directly related to the above comment, it makes the list because it's somewhat related and it pisses me off).
5. Another one that makes the list that's not directly related, but I'll parlay into my rant is the ghostwriter.  Okay, I get that some people have ideas and they might have trouble putting it into a book format.  We can't all be gifted at putting words to paper.  However, why not just say a book is written by the ghostwriter and the author as a joint effort?  In my opinion, it feels like false advertising to say a book is written by one person when really it's not.  It's just their basic idea that someone more talented took and made it into a work of art (or work of crap, as it may be).

Okay, so there it is.  My rant where two items on the list aren't directly connected, but what the hey.  Those two have been on my mind and I had to throw them in there regardless of the whole idea that a list of items must relate to the main subject.  I call bullshit.  At least, today I do.  Plus, it's my blog.

Alright, so now that I've bitched and taken a deep breath, I do have some words of wisdom.  If I didn't, I wouldn't be a very good writer or human being as I'd be perpetually stuck in the valley of the pessimists. 

• Whatever you choose to do, make sure it's something you love or even enjoy.  Don't do it just because you want to prove a point that you're better than others.  You're putting time into it that you will never get back, so why not make it something meaningful?
• Don't give up on what you love just because you've been rejected or have setbacks.  
• Look for another way to move forward if you've become stuck.  There is always another way to solve the problem.
• Try to get over the fact that less talented people out there get more than you do in life.  Focus on you and what you want/can accomplish and stop comparing yourself to others.  Nothing good really comes of this.  Trust me, I know.
• Lastly, come up with your own version of a "what-the-fuck face" and use it.  Often. Then laugh and get back to work.