Bathroom Politics

The transgender community has been on my mind lately.  A lot.  It’s probably no surprise to hear this, and I’m sure they are on your mind as well.  How couldn’t they be with what’s making headlines as of late—the use of bathrooms and choosing the gender facility a transgender person identifies with.  From 10,000 feet, it seems like such a silly thing … to be upset about who gets to eliminate their bowels behind which door—the one with the pants or the one with the dress (although I like the idea that the women’s room icon is wearing a cape vs. a dress).

Under the microscope, it becomes a bigger issue that EVERYONE seems to have an opinion on and there has clearly been a line drawn in the sand between the Target boycotters and those that just want to use the bathroom they feel most comfortable in.  There are those that feel this is a safety or a comfort issue.  There are those that don’t understand or seek to understand what it means to be transgender.  There are those that support the transgender community and want to see this issue be laid to rest.  Regardless of where you stand, the issue has been weighing on me, especially when it comes to people who don’t understand or feel it’s wrong to allow transgender folks to choose the bathroom they feel most comfortable in, the bathroom of the gender they identify with.  

In any event, the issue has been weighing on me so much I felt the need to share my own experience with sharing a bathroom with a transgender female.  Almost ten years ago I was working at a very progressive employer where everyone was welcome and differences were embraced.  I knew there was a transgender woman working there and had seen her in the hallway and at the bus stop.  At that time, I didn’t know much about what it was like to be transgender or the process a person went through during transition because it wasn’t really as mainstream as it is today with all the reality shows featuring transgender folks or high profile celebrities transitioning. 

In any event, I will be honest and say I was not prepared the day I walked out of the stall of the bathroom and saw her washing her hands at the sink.  I will also be honest and say that I was caught off guard and not quite sure how to feel.  Probably because we are taught from a very young age that girls go in one bathroom and guys go in another.  In essence, we’ve segregated ourselves if you want to look at it that way.  

Going back to the story, something amazing happened next:  NOTHING.  She was very nice and asked where I had gotten my skirt because she liked it.  We had a brief conversation about my clothes and then each of us went about our day.  IT WAS NO BIG DEAL, and do you know why?  Because we were there to GO TO THE BATHROOM and nothing more.  I used the bathroom with a transgender woman and nothing happened other than what was supposed to.

About a year or two after my first known experience of sharing a bathroom with a transgender woman, I worked in another similar environment and shared a bathroom again with another transgender woman.  Guess what happened there?  AGAIN, NOTHING!  We went to the bathroom, exchanged conversation, and went about our day.

I see so many posts about people being afraid of sharing a bathroom or a locker room with a transgender person and while I respect others' choice of feeling, I don’t respect when people don’t stop and think about what it might actually be like for the other person being able to use the bathroom of the gender they identify with.  

Some other thoughts to ponder about this whole situation that are swimming around my brain and I need to get out:

• You probably have used the bathroom or locker room with a transgender person and didn’t know it.
• President Obama was not the one to direct that all schools allow a transgender person use the bathroom they identify with, the US Department of Justice and Education TOGETHER released guidance because school districts were asking for it.  Read the information here (https://www.justice.gov/opa/pr/us-departments-justice-and-education-release-joint-guidance-help-schools-ensure-civil-rights).
• Locker rooms – in high school, kids rarely used the showers and from my daughter, I understand this is still the case.  I’d also like to hear from a transgender person on this, but I’m pretty sure they would not be stripping down to shower because they are already afraid of public ridicule for using the bathroom or locker room they identify with.
• How would you even know someone is transgender and in what universe is it good etiquette to ask a person to confirm their gender before they pee or get changed into gym clothes?
• Yes, sexual harassment and rape can occur in bathrooms, but it can and does occur everywhere else ALL THE TIME—why is it suddenly YOUR fear when it become a transgender bathroom issue? 

We say we want to be inclusive, yet we seem to tailor it to our own situation where it makes us comfortable or doesn’t take us out of our little bubbles.  Next time you think you’re uncomfortable around a transgender person, try thinking about what it’s like to be them.  Chances are they are ten times more uncomfortable than you are or ever will be, and I’m not just talking about within the walls of the bathroom.  It’s a big goddamn deal to change your whole life to fit how you’ve been feeling inside since virtually being born and having a little empathy and understanding and just possibly a little support from everyone else goes a long way to help ease the stress and difficulties surrounding making the transition.

Inwardly grieving Salty

We deal with loss in many different ways and sometimes it’s even different from the type of loss we feel.  For instance, last year when I lost Tigger I cried all the time and it was hard to be home because he left such an impression with his strong personality.  I had to get out … go hiking, go to the beach, something.  This year, Salty passed away and I felt like staying home and putting my energy into the project of building onto our deck in an effort to keep my mind off of the loss.

It’s been a little over two weeks since we said goodbye to Salty and it was different than Tigger in that it was a little bit expected.  Although he declined quickly, he had always been a little sickly and it was always in the back of our minds that we might have to say goodbye to him sooner rather than later.  I still miss him terribly and I still look for him often.  I catch myself continuing to add him to my mental list of kitties as I did this morning when I thought he and Cringer were probably hungry.

I’ve thought a lot since losing Salty about how I’m grieving him.  When Tigger passed, I wrote a blog post like this soon after and it was more of a tribute to him.  With Salty, it’s been hard to put fingers to keyboard to share what I’m feeling and as you can see, it’s really more about loss:  how we experience it and how it can be different each time.­­

The thing is, I don’t really know what to say to convey what’s going on in my head and my heart.  My feelings and thoughts swing like a pendulum from day-to-day and even minute-to-minute.  It feels too soon to have lost him, but he’s in a better place living pain-free and I know it was the right thing to let him go.  I just miss him.  His beautiful flame-point coat, his Siamese “get off my lawn” yowl, the way he made kneading look like a job, how he’d walk around the house with a catnip pillow stuck in his mouth while he muffled out his Siamese meow, the fast “mall-walker” gait he had when his arthritis wasn’t bothering him, the way he’d rub his face on you to claim you as his person…

So, here I am grieving his loss internally all the while thinking about how Salty gave us many memories that we will cherish and laugh about.  I’m not sure how I’ll grieve the loss of my other fur-babies (and honestly, I don’t want to think about it), but I’m sure it will be in different ways unique to each one.  And that’s okay … more than okay because it will be special.

Why I chose to become Vegan

Last year in August, I made what seemed like a split decision to become vegetarian much to my sister’s chagrin as she was cooking up nice cuts of New York steak for dinner at our girl’s weekend trip to her property in Lyle.  Although it seemed like a snap decision at the time, it was really something that had been weighing on me since seeing part of a video of how poorly some pigs were treated at slaughter.  They were kicked, their tails were ripped off, and they were scared; it was awful.  Right after I watched that video, I stopped eating pork and then made the transition to being a vegetarian soon after.  To my joy, my daughter also decided to try it out and we were doing it together, which seemed to make it easier.

As I started what I was sure to be a difficult journey to not eat meat, I found that there are some really great choices out there in terms of food (Morning Star, Gardein, Amy’s brand foods) and the transition wasn’t as hard as I initially thought.  You just have to do your research about the restaurants you eat at (READ:  no McDonald’s fries because they fry them in some sort of meat concoction, but really—it’s not healthy food anyway so why even put that in your body?) and scrutinize your labels because even something as innocuous as stuffing isn’t necessarily vegetarian because it has meat stock or some meat by-product in it.  Sure, some things I loved fell off my list of things I could eat, but I found other options to replace them.

The non-food side of things is where it got a bit interesting.  For some reason, there’s a stigma attached to people that have chosen a lifestyle of vegetarian or vegan.  You get called a “vagatarian” or people look at you sideways when you want to make sure something you’re ordering has no meat in it whatsoever.  You also get scrutinized by people on where you eat (“that doesn’t appear to be vegetarian”) although there are vegetarian items on the menu.  It’s almost as if you’ve opened the door for the peanut gallery to comment on every little thing you put in your body by choosing the lifestyle.  Needless to say, I just rolled my eyes and continued on with life because I knew I had made a good choice for myself.

Recently, on a trip to Portland with my daughter (who at this time is no longer a vegetarian--she stopped in March because she missed chicken strips), we tried a vegan restaurant for dinner one night.  While we were waiting for the restaurant to open for dinner, she voiced that she was thinking of becoming vegan.  At this point, I was still happily existing as a vegetarian and truly didn’t think I could give up all dairy because I love cheese and eggs.  But, if she was willing to make that leap, I knew I would probably try it with her, too.

My hopes of doing the vegan thing with my daughter were dashed when we actually ate the food.  We ordered the vegan cheese plate (the cheese is made of nuts), which I actually really enjoyed.  Nyah, not so much.  She ordered a vegan burger, which I also thought was good and she wasn’t a fan because of the cheese.  She couldn’t get beyond the fact that the cheese tasted too sweet and that it smelled like some facial product she had bought from Lush.  

So, I ended the thought of becoming vegan…until about two weeks ago.  I had been thinking that it hadn’t been so hard to find meat substitutes so why couldn’t I try to find egg and cheese substitutes?  Especially since I liked the cheese that had been made with nuts.  I looked online to see what type of vegan cheese people liked and gave that a try.  It seemed fine and adequate as a dairy cheese replacement, but I was curious to try the cheese made of nuts.  So, I went to the store and found the small vegan offering and chose some cheddar and mozzarella-type cheese made from almonds and I have to tell you, I feel like I hit the veritable jackpot of taste.  It was just what I’d been looking for and I was happy to have found a replacement for cheese.  At this point, I was still eating eggs, but knew it was time to try to find something else.

I did some more research and learned that silken tofu (or tofu in general) can make a nice egg substitute and I already had some in the fridge so why not give that a try?  So I did…and was happy with the choice.  Milk was no issue, either, because I already drank Silk Almond Milk.  So here I am, about a week in as vegan and I’m really happy with the choice.  Although I really have to scrutinize labels and have lost even more items off my “to eat” list, it hasn’t been that hard and I’m enjoying looking up and trying new recipes.

Now I can tell you that becoming a vegetarian or even a vegan is not for everyone, but it was for me and here’s why.  When I eat vegan, I feel great.  I am not bloated, I am not retaining water, my body is not inflamed or swollen, and I’m satisfied after every meal.  I’m not starving and I feel healthier.  I’ve even lost weight (always a plus!).  I am happy, really happy.  And not just because of how my body feels, but how my soul feels about doing what I feel is right for the animals (who I consider friends and family members and why would you want to eat your friends or family members?).

So there you go.  That’s why I decided to make a drastic change in how I feed my body and soul and all that really matters is that I’m happy with that decision.  Here’s where it gets interesting with the whole stigma thing I mentioned earlier.  If others make a conscious effort not to tease those of us that have chosen not to eat meat or try to push their ideals about eating meat, I will do the same.  I’m not here to convert people to veganism, but I’m happy to share my journey and why I’ve chosen the lifestyle.  Like I said before, it’s not for everyone, but it is for me.