Second-guessing and circular thoughts: the pitfalls of a Type A Personality

When my first book came out, I had spent so much time looking at it during the editing phases, I honestly wanted nothing to do with it after I’d sent it in to the publisher.  However; when Nyah (the kidlet) read it, she pointed out a few errors, which had me spun up for weeks.  You see, I’m a classic Type A Personality with a side of perfectionist.  I honestly didn’t want to know or hear that I’d put something out there with a few errors and I tried to ignore it for the better part of a year.

Now, a year later, I am currently in the midst of sending my second book into the publisher.  I have also decided to go back through my first book and fix those errors as well as make a few changes to the writing in general.  Nothing drastic, mind you.  I have just learned so much, having gone through the editing process twice now that I want to put that learning to use by fixing a few things in my first book.

So ... here I am, working on two books to send to the publisher and feeling like a big ball of stress.  I spend nights trying to sleep, only to get caught up with second-guessing myself or getting up to go back through something in my book that I thought I probably should change or go over to make sure it makes sense.  At some point, you have to just let it be, right?  Right?

As my mind is racing and I’m continually going round and round with the story and making sure there are no holes, my daughter, Nyah, politely pointed out to me that this is what I chose to do.  To which I replied, “Yes, and I enjoy it very much, but it’s stressing me out!”

I get that whatever job we choose, even if we absolutely love it through-and-through, it’s still going to carry some amount of stress.  What I have trouble with is how my Type A Personality interprets and reacts to the whole stress process.

I’ll always have trouble with this, I know.  So, I just have to tell myself after a million rather large deep breaths that I guess I just have to plug in my earbuds, turn on my writing music, and continue to “March” through. 

Hate the game, not the players

 It's been a year now since I left Expedia, a company I really loved working for, to pursue my second career and dream of becoming a writer.  I often think about my time with Expedia, having spent about five years there.  I also often think about the people I worked with and how much I miss many of them.

Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't go back in time and change the decision I made.  I am glad to have moved onto my second career and to be doing something I absolutely love.  However, that doesn't mean I don't miss my former life with this company and the people that frequented it.

You see, being in the field of human resources wears on you.  I mean REALLY wears on you.  Not the kind of wear you might expect from an old pair of jeans.  The kind of wear you expect from being drug behind a car racing down the freeway at sixty plus miles an hour.  Sorry for the graphic description, but it's a stressful job where you're often under a rather large microscope under an even larger spotlight.  Sizzle, little ants, sizzle!

I digress.  My story when I left was mainly about how I was changing careers and how excited I was about the new stage in my life.  Here we are, a year later, and I feel as if I should be a little more honest about the decision.  Don't get me wrong, I definitely would have still made the same decision.  However, it may have been delayed had I not gotten sick of Playing The Game.  In truth, I was really starting to Hate The Game or to the layperson, hate the field of HR and much of the politics that unfortunately came with it.  I certainly did not hate the players because most of the people I worked with I had really formed a bond with and leaving was a sad affair. 

I live with the fact that I didn't reach three goals I had set for myself while in that field:  be a leader of a team, be in a high level role (Director or above), and make more money than my husband.  But, I wasn't about to turn my back on my feelings about The Game in order to reach those goals because let's be honest, while I became increasingly incensed about The Game, I would move farther away from those goals anyway.  Plus, I had this whole other life I needed to live before digging myself deeper into the abyss with a field I despised.

So, here I am...a year later and truly enjoying being a writer.  Sure, I don't make the kind of money I used to (not even close by a long shot) and I don't get to see my friends at work every day, but it's been worth it.  I just want (or need?) my former friends at work to know I think about and miss them... and often.  I didn't leave because I Hated The Players.  I Hated The Game.