I don't like you because they don't like you ... Is this what we've come to?

Photo credit: Microsoft

When someone you know is at odds with someone else you know, do you immediately take on their anger without hearing the other person’s side or do you wait for your own experience before making a judgement?  I recall the behavior of having the better friend’s back something of a daily ritual when I was a teenager—it seemed almost law to not even bother discussing the issue with the other person or to even try to understand their side of it.  Best friends often fought with people splitting down the middle on who’s side they were going to take, many times basing the decision on popularity and what would be good for them.  It was all about self-preservation back then, or so it seemed.  I saw good friendships turn to shit and never recover because of the inability to speak to one another, only amplified by the people surrounding them on either side. 

Eventually, you hope that kind of destructive communication goes away the older and more mature you get, especially since it is not a cultural norm to act that way as an adult.  However, I recently had such a situation occur and it’s been on my mind and has bothered me that grown adults wouldn’t even bother to reach out and ask, “Hey, what happened from your perspective?”  Or that they would side with one group and just decide to not have anything to do with the other.  I’m not even talking about friends here, I’m talking about family members.  I had a tiff with one part of my family and a completely different part of the family listened to only what they had to say and decided they didn’t want to have anything to do with me.  Seriously?  You can’t be an adult and reach out and ask my side?  Or even better, you can’t remain neutral since it’s not even your tiff to begin with?

This situation has plagued me the last week or two and I got to thinking how we learn to communicate and interact with other people.  I recall learning to have the difficult conversations at work and it was really a struggle because it’s easier to avoid conflict in the short-term.  It got easier the more I had to do it, but since changing careers, I haven’t had to do it as often and admittedly, I am out of practice and it can be a tough thing to accomplish.  What I did change about myself from teenage-hood to adulthood and is somewhat easier to deal with, is not to make a decision about someone based on someone else’s information or experience if I haven’t had that same experience.  I will admit, there are times that this can also be a struggle because of how heinous the situation might be, but in general I feel pretty confident that I do ask for the complete story from all sides before making a choice of where to stand.  Sometimes I don’t even want to make a choice of where to stand if it doesn’t make sense.  Remaining neutral is a good thing in some cases, such as those relating to family as emotions can, and do, run high. 

I learned for myself that it’s important for me to have my own experience with someone before I decide where to go with our relationship.  Just because another friend or family member is having an issue with someone, I don’t automatically take that same problem on.  I think it only fair to wait and see if that will be my experience.  Call it naive or glutton for punishment, but I feel like I need to have enough trust in people to do so.  Live and learn, right?  Understand that I need to make my own mistakes to learn and if I get hurt, it’s not your burden to take on because you warned me.  I’ll be okay, I’m an adult and I hope I’m mature enough at this point in life. 

I wish others, especially the adults and adult family members in my life would heed these same principles.  I shudder to think what they’re passing on to their younger family members.  Eventually these people will be in society with us, interacting and making big decisions about the world.  They are our future.  At this point, I’m one person and all I can do is teach my own child how to communicate effectively.  She’ll struggle like I did, but in the end, I hope she is able to choose for herself whom to let in her life and to ensure she has all the information before making a final decision, or ruling as it may be.