To kneel or not to kneel...

Photo courtesy of Microsoft

Respect as a verb is defined as showing esteem or consideration or abstaining from interference.  As a noun, it’s about having reverence for the distinction of a person or for qualities or abilities that person may hold.  It’s also regarding a right or privilege of someone or even something that is looked upon as having certain rights or privileges attached to it.  Disrespect as a noun is characterized as having a lack of what is defined above as respect or showing discourtesy or rudeness.  As a verb, it simply means to withhold the above-defined “respect” or treat with contempt or rudeness.

I’ve read and heard a lot of commentary around people feeling personally disrespected or feeling as if their country, military, or flag are being disrespected.  Particularly, I’m talking about players kneeling during the National Anthem.  I have given a lot of thought to the topic to try to understand why some people are really upset.  It can be a struggle to try to understand another person’s perspective when you don’t their view, but I do try.

That said, here’s where I’m coming from on this subject.  It is my belief our founding fathers did not wish for us to hold nationalistic ideals, meaning we shouldn’t be forced to stand for an anthem or recite the pledge of allegiance if we didn’t want to for our own reasons, including those relating to beliefs, religion, or disagreement in how our government is operating.  The Supreme Court backed up this school of thought in 1943 in the case of WestVirginia State Board of Education v. Barnette, believing it violated the Fourteenth Amendment.  The First Amendment is also relevant in this situation as well.  Our country is supposed to be a nation of freedom, and to make people love and support their government, even when they disagree with it, is akin to what happened in Nazi Germany.

Regardless of what the Supreme Court ruled over seventy years ago, there are still people who disagree with those that do not stand for the anthem.  As I pointed out above, we should be allowed to have freedom of opinions.  The Supreme Court also decided abortion should be legal, but many people personally do not feel this way and thus Roe v. Wade has continued to be a hot button topic.  We all have our opinions and beliefs, and continue to have them.  Where it becomes a problem is when we stop listening to each other and force our own opinions and beliefs onto others.  We don’t always have to agree, but I feel we should always be open-minded and listen.

Aside from the court perspective, there’s the personal side of it as well.  I’d like to ask the people that disagree with players kneeling or people not standing for the anthem if they understand why people have chosen to do so.  Have you set aside how you feel about it personally to listen to what they have to say?  What’s happening is a peaceful way of protesting how our country doesn’t treat people equally, or with the same respect given to others.  Respect … there’s that word again.  Personally, I don’t feel it is disrespectful to kneel during the anthem, especially when you feel you are being disrespected in our nation and cannot support an anthem that pledges equality when clearly equality has never been prevalent.

I’m not standing on a soapbox preaching that you should be okay with players kneeling or people making a personal choice not to stand.  You have every right to feel the way you do.  What I am saying is to try to hear the other side and understand what they may be feeling.  You think it’s disrespectful and they feel disrespected.  Somewhere we need to come to a common ground and agree to disagree.  Even better, if we get to the root of the problem and work on solving that – equality and respect across the board regardless of race – this whole idea of who is standing or kneeling for the national anthem won’t be such a big issue.  Once we get to a place where most everyone feels they have the same voice and rights, I’m sure you’ll find them proudly standing in support of our national anthem.  However, my last caveat to that statement is to understand that we all have a choice, and wrong or right or whether you agree or disagree, people can choose to do what they wish during the anthem.  Kneeling or sitting included.

I don't like you because they don't like you ... Is this what we've come to?

Photo credit: Microsoft

When someone you know is at odds with someone else you know, do you immediately take on their anger without hearing the other person’s side or do you wait for your own experience before making a judgement?  I recall the behavior of having the better friend’s back something of a daily ritual when I was a teenager—it seemed almost law to not even bother discussing the issue with the other person or to even try to understand their side of it.  Best friends often fought with people splitting down the middle on who’s side they were going to take, many times basing the decision on popularity and what would be good for them.  It was all about self-preservation back then, or so it seemed.  I saw good friendships turn to shit and never recover because of the inability to speak to one another, only amplified by the people surrounding them on either side. 

Eventually, you hope that kind of destructive communication goes away the older and more mature you get, especially since it is not a cultural norm to act that way as an adult.  However, I recently had such a situation occur and it’s been on my mind and has bothered me that grown adults wouldn’t even bother to reach out and ask, “Hey, what happened from your perspective?”  Or that they would side with one group and just decide to not have anything to do with the other.  I’m not even talking about friends here, I’m talking about family members.  I had a tiff with one part of my family and a completely different part of the family listened to only what they had to say and decided they didn’t want to have anything to do with me.  Seriously?  You can’t be an adult and reach out and ask my side?  Or even better, you can’t remain neutral since it’s not even your tiff to begin with?

This situation has plagued me the last week or two and I got to thinking how we learn to communicate and interact with other people.  I recall learning to have the difficult conversations at work and it was really a struggle because it’s easier to avoid conflict in the short-term.  It got easier the more I had to do it, but since changing careers, I haven’t had to do it as often and admittedly, I am out of practice and it can be a tough thing to accomplish.  What I did change about myself from teenage-hood to adulthood and is somewhat easier to deal with, is not to make a decision about someone based on someone else’s information or experience if I haven’t had that same experience.  I will admit, there are times that this can also be a struggle because of how heinous the situation might be, but in general I feel pretty confident that I do ask for the complete story from all sides before making a choice of where to stand.  Sometimes I don’t even want to make a choice of where to stand if it doesn’t make sense.  Remaining neutral is a good thing in some cases, such as those relating to family as emotions can, and do, run high. 

I learned for myself that it’s important for me to have my own experience with someone before I decide where to go with our relationship.  Just because another friend or family member is having an issue with someone, I don’t automatically take that same problem on.  I think it only fair to wait and see if that will be my experience.  Call it naive or glutton for punishment, but I feel like I need to have enough trust in people to do so.  Live and learn, right?  Understand that I need to make my own mistakes to learn and if I get hurt, it’s not your burden to take on because you warned me.  I’ll be okay, I’m an adult and I hope I’m mature enough at this point in life. 

I wish others, especially the adults and adult family members in my life would heed these same principles.  I shudder to think what they’re passing on to their younger family members.  Eventually these people will be in society with us, interacting and making big decisions about the world.  They are our future.  At this point, I’m one person and all I can do is teach my own child how to communicate effectively.  She’ll struggle like I did, but in the end, I hope she is able to choose for herself whom to let in her life and to ensure she has all the information before making a final decision, or ruling as it may be.