In high school and college, I took my share of psychology
and sociology classes because frankly, I find it pretty damn fascinating how
people go about their lives. Coupled
with my natural interest in seeking to understand the human psyche, being
exposed to what is outside my door every day, and generally the subject of how
people treat one another, I’ve been thinking a lot about how we grow up and
learn to be.
I’ll be a bit more specific since this can really involve
any kind of behavior. What I’ve been
pondering as of late was prompted by a discussion about how someone spoke about
a former significant other. While
driving (because I do A LOT of thinking when I drive), I thought about how I
used to be as a teenager toward any girls that I thought wanted to get with my
boyfriend or a guy I liked, or any girl that used to be with him. I talked ill of that person and said some
pretty awful shit, even when I didn’t really know them. Looking back, I think that’s a pretty common
occurrence at that age, though. What I
have come to understand is it becomes a problem if you carry it into adulthood
and continue to talk ill of people because of your own insecurities.
Okay, so that’s one part of it. Bear with me while I get to the actual point
of what I’m trying to share with you.
Sometimes I have to lay the tracks so it makes sense. To continue, I was thinking about adult
significant others and whether or not they speak ill of people they were
previously with. What kind of person
does that say they are and will they do the same about you, even if the
information isn’t correct?
As I was having this thought, I was also making a mental
list of people I had dated and if they were a.) mature enough to learn not to
engage in this catty behavior/had they actually grown out of it and moved onto
the next life stage and b.) did they do this type of behavior and encourage it within
me? But, my data is a bit flawed. The problem is I’ve been with my husband
since I was 16. I could argue there were
one or two folks before him that perhaps may fall into the right category. Hard to tell, but I can say that I think one
of them did not engage in that type of behavior that I can recall and he was
probably at the right age not to.
So why do we immediately make a generalization and speak ill
about someone we barely know or tow the same line on a story we didn’t
experience firsthand simply because our significant other has those same
views? Insecurity? Sure, that is one
explanation. Another is learned
behavior. We watch the relationships we
have grown up with and seem to mimic those unless we make a concerted effort to
break that cycle. I think it’s also
worth mentioning that trust can be a major reason as well. We want to trust our significant other, and
if they feel this way about someone else, maybe we should as well. This is when it can get a bit dicey,
though. If we go into things with blind
trust, we can get taken advantage of and begin to live our lives how others
want us to, not how we really want to. It’s
worth noting we don’t just do this with our significant others, we can also do
this with our friends. Truth be told,
that ends up in a much worse place because you have the whole ganging up
factor. Girls can be brutal!
So, this leaves me at my final thought on this topic. The longer I’m on this earth, the more I have
learned to stop, listen and observe; try to step into the shoes of other people
to understand why they feel and think the way they do; try like hell not to
jump to conclusions, and come to my own deduction about a person or situation. It’s actually been a long learning road to get
to a place where this comes naturally because I was exposed to a lot of bad relationship
behavior growing up, but it’s been a worthwhile journey and I would highly
recommend it to anyone.
