Listen to understand,
not to respond. THIS IS GOLD. I’ve seen this sentiment several times over
the past year. Sometimes the words are
different, but the meaning is the same.
I liked it so much that I adapted it into my personal Tao. It’s even written on a little, pink heart
post-it note stuck to the wall of my office.
I remember hearing the definition of introvert versus
extrovert for the first time in my high school Psychology class. It was the first time I really had an
awakening of who I was as a person and why I was labeled as “shy” or the type
of person that crept around. The
definition – a person who absorbs everything like a sponge and goes away to
think about what they’ve heard to later purge what didn’t make sense or what
wasn’t needed – really resonated with me.
I certainly wasn’t an extrovert – someone who will stop at the first
thing they don’t agree with and have an all-out discussion right then and there
– definitely wasn’t who I was in my heart of hearts.
Over the years, I was given the feedback that I was a great
listener. I was also given the feedback
that I needed to speak up more and share what I had bouncing around in my head
(those weren’t the words used, but you get the idea). In any event, I had to adjust how I
interacted with the world since my introversion naturally had me observing and
listening or “gathering intel” so I could analyze it later. Eventually, I taught myself to speak up right
when I had a thought, which was totally unnatural and uncomfortable. I’d sweat, my heartbeat would increase, my
skin would flush – it was almost like having stage fright because it was so
unnatural to me.
Recently, I started to think about introverts and
extroverts, how we change ourselves to fit what we need to be at work, school,
socially, you get the idea … and then I
began connecting it to the idea of listening to understand what people are
saying instead of listening to respond.
My time in college and all through my first career had taught me to stop
listening to understand and instead, listen to respond. The result?
Instead of really listening, I would only be half-engaged and would
instead put myself into the mode I would normally go into in the future –
analyzing what I needed to respond with in real-time versus later when I’d had
a chance to go over it in my head.
Oftentimes, I couldn’t articulate myself very well or I didn’t say what
I should have and later thought of, which was many times central to the
discussion and I would share it quickly in an email, a voicemail, or even in
passing. I imagine talking to me probably
felt a bit disjointed.
I bring this up because it seems like most people out there
today are not listening to understand each other, me included. It’s become this great race to tell people what
you think and what you think they should think, too. That’s a lot of goddamn thinking, but it’s
not real thinking if you’re not
actually listening and understanding, is it? So we’re stuck in this world of
eye-rolling, throwing our hands up in the air, and shouting obscenities at each
other because we can’t do a very basic skill of communication. Listen.
If you’re an extrovert, I won’t lie. This will probably be
tough to do. If you’re an introvert that
has been taught to listen to respond versus listen to understand, it will also
be an uphill battle. Here’s a start for
the next time you speak with someone (and I don’t recommend a political
discussion as a means to get your feet wet in this new way of doing): actually listen, let there be silence after
what is said is said. Some people are
deathly afraid of silence, but don’t be—it’s okay to not fill the void with noise
(let’s be honest—a lot of time if you’re filling, it is just that. Noise).
The point is, you want to let what you heard sink in. I mean really
sink in. Ask questions if you don’t understand
or need more information.
The last part of wisdom I’d like to impart is that you don’t
have to respond to what the other person is saying right away. It’s your right to mull it over and in this
day in age, we all probably should take a cue from our introvert friends here. If you choose to not respond; however, it’s
customary to tell the person you’d like to ruminate over what they’ve shared
versus just walking away. That would
send the wrong message, not to mention leave the vulnerable person standing
there in shock after they just bared their soul to you because you asked.
Ok, that last part might be a bit dramatic, but you see
where I’m going with this. We don’t
listen to each other and it’s become ever important to start renewing that
skill so we can all be better human beings and band together to succeed in
whatever we do.
