Bathroom Politics

The transgender community has been on my mind lately.  A lot.  It’s probably no surprise to hear this, and I’m sure they are on your mind as well.  How couldn’t they be with what’s making headlines as of late—the use of bathrooms and choosing the gender facility a transgender person identifies with.  From 10,000 feet, it seems like such a silly thing … to be upset about who gets to eliminate their bowels behind which door—the one with the pants or the one with the dress (although I like the idea that the women’s room icon is wearing a cape vs. a dress).

Under the microscope, it becomes a bigger issue that EVERYONE seems to have an opinion on and there has clearly been a line drawn in the sand between the Target boycotters and those that just want to use the bathroom they feel most comfortable in.  There are those that feel this is a safety or a comfort issue.  There are those that don’t understand or seek to understand what it means to be transgender.  There are those that support the transgender community and want to see this issue be laid to rest.  Regardless of where you stand, the issue has been weighing on me, especially when it comes to people who don’t understand or feel it’s wrong to allow transgender folks to choose the bathroom they feel most comfortable in, the bathroom of the gender they identify with.  

In any event, the issue has been weighing on me so much I felt the need to share my own experience with sharing a bathroom with a transgender female.  Almost ten years ago I was working at a very progressive employer where everyone was welcome and differences were embraced.  I knew there was a transgender woman working there and had seen her in the hallway and at the bus stop.  At that time, I didn’t know much about what it was like to be transgender or the process a person went through during transition because it wasn’t really as mainstream as it is today with all the reality shows featuring transgender folks or high profile celebrities transitioning. 

In any event, I will be honest and say I was not prepared the day I walked out of the stall of the bathroom and saw her washing her hands at the sink.  I will also be honest and say that I was caught off guard and not quite sure how to feel.  Probably because we are taught from a very young age that girls go in one bathroom and guys go in another.  In essence, we’ve segregated ourselves if you want to look at it that way.  

Going back to the story, something amazing happened next:  NOTHING.  She was very nice and asked where I had gotten my skirt because she liked it.  We had a brief conversation about my clothes and then each of us went about our day.  IT WAS NO BIG DEAL, and do you know why?  Because we were there to GO TO THE BATHROOM and nothing more.  I used the bathroom with a transgender woman and nothing happened other than what was supposed to.

About a year or two after my first known experience of sharing a bathroom with a transgender woman, I worked in another similar environment and shared a bathroom again with another transgender woman.  Guess what happened there?  AGAIN, NOTHING!  We went to the bathroom, exchanged conversation, and went about our day.

I see so many posts about people being afraid of sharing a bathroom or a locker room with a transgender person and while I respect others' choice of feeling, I don’t respect when people don’t stop and think about what it might actually be like for the other person being able to use the bathroom of the gender they identify with.  

Some other thoughts to ponder about this whole situation that are swimming around my brain and I need to get out:

• You probably have used the bathroom or locker room with a transgender person and didn’t know it.
• President Obama was not the one to direct that all schools allow a transgender person use the bathroom they identify with, the US Department of Justice and Education TOGETHER released guidance because school districts were asking for it.  Read the information here (https://www.justice.gov/opa/pr/us-departments-justice-and-education-release-joint-guidance-help-schools-ensure-civil-rights).
• Locker rooms – in high school, kids rarely used the showers and from my daughter, I understand this is still the case.  I’d also like to hear from a transgender person on this, but I’m pretty sure they would not be stripping down to shower because they are already afraid of public ridicule for using the bathroom or locker room they identify with.
• How would you even know someone is transgender and in what universe is it good etiquette to ask a person to confirm their gender before they pee or get changed into gym clothes?
• Yes, sexual harassment and rape can occur in bathrooms, but it can and does occur everywhere else ALL THE TIME—why is it suddenly YOUR fear when it become a transgender bathroom issue? 

We say we want to be inclusive, yet we seem to tailor it to our own situation where it makes us comfortable or doesn’t take us out of our little bubbles.  Next time you think you’re uncomfortable around a transgender person, try thinking about what it’s like to be them.  Chances are they are ten times more uncomfortable than you are or ever will be, and I’m not just talking about within the walls of the bathroom.  It’s a big goddamn deal to change your whole life to fit how you’ve been feeling inside since virtually being born and having a little empathy and understanding and just possibly a little support from everyone else goes a long way to help ease the stress and difficulties surrounding making the transition.

Inwardly grieving Salty

We deal with loss in many different ways and sometimes it’s even different from the type of loss we feel.  For instance, last year when I lost Tigger I cried all the time and it was hard to be home because he left such an impression with his strong personality.  I had to get out … go hiking, go to the beach, something.  This year, Salty passed away and I felt like staying home and putting my energy into the project of building onto our deck in an effort to keep my mind off of the loss.

It’s been a little over two weeks since we said goodbye to Salty and it was different than Tigger in that it was a little bit expected.  Although he declined quickly, he had always been a little sickly and it was always in the back of our minds that we might have to say goodbye to him sooner rather than later.  I still miss him terribly and I still look for him often.  I catch myself continuing to add him to my mental list of kitties as I did this morning when I thought he and Cringer were probably hungry.

I’ve thought a lot since losing Salty about how I’m grieving him.  When Tigger passed, I wrote a blog post like this soon after and it was more of a tribute to him.  With Salty, it’s been hard to put fingers to keyboard to share what I’m feeling and as you can see, it’s really more about loss:  how we experience it and how it can be different each time.­­

The thing is, I don’t really know what to say to convey what’s going on in my head and my heart.  My feelings and thoughts swing like a pendulum from day-to-day and even minute-to-minute.  It feels too soon to have lost him, but he’s in a better place living pain-free and I know it was the right thing to let him go.  I just miss him.  His beautiful flame-point coat, his Siamese “get off my lawn” yowl, the way he made kneading look like a job, how he’d walk around the house with a catnip pillow stuck in his mouth while he muffled out his Siamese meow, the fast “mall-walker” gait he had when his arthritis wasn’t bothering him, the way he’d rub his face on you to claim you as his person…

So, here I am grieving his loss internally all the while thinking about how Salty gave us many memories that we will cherish and laugh about.  I’m not sure how I’ll grieve the loss of my other fur-babies (and honestly, I don’t want to think about it), but I’m sure it will be in different ways unique to each one.  And that’s okay … more than okay because it will be special.